Swirling in The Depths

Apr 24

Here I sit, amidst the swirling, in a full on attempt at controlling my consciousness. Gathering my life after a period of extreme overwhelm and uncertainty. Like I have awakened from a fog and found myself, afraid of myself and operating out of the belief - I do not have the answers and even deeper maybe there is no answer and this is where I crumble.

But a light sparks from within- I can intrinsically validate while seeking refuge in the timeless wisdom of ancient teachings. COme back to the practice. Come back to Sanctuary. Come back home. To knowing-to truth-to myself. Yeah, I’m on this journey of self-discovery - for inner peace - but really here to develop a genuine love for all that is. A love of life that takes my soul beyond the depths of what I know and what I see.

As I pour my thoughts onto this page, I can't help but marvel at the power of words to shape our reality. I have with some humiliation, been setting spells on my life and my existence getting some pretty horrific kick out of perpetuating stories in my head and in my electromagnetic field.

Whether it be the constant uncertainty in my relationship, the uncertainty about the future and my worth. Something to talk about to prove I am a human I guess… Feeling the joy of debate and growth, feeling freedom an at any moment escape gives me, feeling the independence, feeling desired and wanted - even needed.

And now like hitting a wall -

I sit here swirling, recognizing what my subconscious was gaining through these tedious and harmful thoughts is keeping me small and away from myself.

I have all the tools. I am fortunate to rub elbows with the most prolific souls one could imagine. To have access to books, course and classes. But what is keeping me from harnessing all the tools that bombard my home? What is the belief driving my incessant need for journaling, night time routines, schedules and alarms with a not so subtle practice of affirmations?

How can I weave truth into my day to day, affirming my worth- affirming the joy in the mystery and the certainty of what I create becomes- honoring my inherent divinity.

While not addressing the elephant within?

I said it earlier, but I will say it again. I have realized I am afraid of myself, of my thoughts and of what I know is my passion, my fire and my dharma.

I challenge myself to sit and be alone and find many things. some savory and some not so kind to the tongue.

But amidst my solitude, amidst the stillness, I feel busy and I witness the thoughts swirling— the relentless hurricane that is dissacosiation, really makes me want to run and hide. —-To get busy, but not really busy but busy avoiding the things I really feel called to…

Slowly… As I stay committed in my growth junkie mindset—- I know I’ll find a profound sense of connection— of recognition that we are all bound together by the mystery and the craving to feel at peace, the very threads of the human existence.

First, I forgive myself for getting so willingly lost…

Secondly, I apologize and squeeze my thigh as to not make it an apathy party and laugh.

I really let myself get deep in it! Obviously necessary. and what a gift because now I get to experience this exact moment of freedom. Of Sanctuary. Of Home.

Sorry for not validating myself enough and for over validating the false stories and for trying to escape the confusion and trying so badly to be someone who had all the answers that I forgot to ask myself questions. We all crave an escape but having the awareness to know exactly what one is escaping is; is where the light enters the tunnel.

I feel the light entering.

In the quiet chambers of my mind I tend to teeter totter with feeling overwhelmed and constantly trying to “find” ways around outter blocks and in the next moment speaking to myself, using language that transcends the boundaries of individuality and worldy matters.

After sharing this back and forth, there is small voice that thinks “Just me??” But the light reminds me that is not true.

We are all here learning and wondering and shifting together.

Sometimes . . . In my mind. . . I see this scene:

As if I'm witnessing a conversation with a person suffering from a serious mental illness and the universe itself. Hahaha. I mean this in all seriousness.

The hot and cold from inconsistency can be all consuming if I choose it. And honestly, I chose this for awhile. I was not my own Sanctuary and I was not at home in my home.

Loving my ability to accept and acknowledge the interconnectedness and mystery of all things; including my human mind. Feels freeing. Feels transcendent and physically relieving.

With this all on the table as I press on to find some new ways of thinking, feeling and showing up for myself and the world. I know not to merely rely on my human mind.

While it is strong- I recognize my past and how it leads my subconscious mind to ponder, create, assume, interpret and wreak havoc on the truth of life.

Here in the open, I am openly setting a new spell over myself and over my life.

Calling on several teachings, I’ve had the privilege of encountering over this particular earthly life span. The teachings of Taoism, Buddhism and lessons from my favorite teachers whom I am so grateful to share timelines with. Whom I have the honor of sharing with you reading this.

The art of detachment, of releasing my grip on the ephemeral pleasures of the world. It's a lesson in impermanence, in the fleeting nature of all things, and the liberation that comes from embracing the transience of life. Freedom is my goal and to inspire myself to release as a means of liberation is so deep. I can’t just teach the walk I must walk this walk. It is the hardest portion of my new found light.

In my quest for connection and understanding of myself and how I can connect and uplift the world around me. I realize I must carve my own path, my own specific way of loving myself to find solace in my solitude, granting myself permission to retreat into the Sanctuary of my own being, my life and my capability of creating new pathways.

Knowing myself as A Sanctuary.

Why a Sanctuary? The yoga studio I teach and would literally live at. Ali, the owner, has invested so much into her way of being, in turn investing into our community and me— almost seeing my own gifts before I can at times. Her patience and trust is beyond words. Opportunities continue to flow. Endlessly. Providing me space to give pure gratitude and grow from this gratitude. Space to incubate ll that is swirling within and know it will reach the light. It will all come home.

To know all is capable- everything all at once.

To launch life dirty and trust the flow.

To trust myself. Always leaning into the flow and the trust. To lean into the light I call on ancient and communal knowing.

Call it trust, intuition, gut, instinct, knowing, power, understanding, source energy, whatever feels true to you.

Like the knowing of Taoism, I lean into life, learning to surrender to the natural rhythm of existence, embracing the ebb and flow with grace, humor and soon acceptance. There is no timeline other than the one I am creating. The freedom in that is inspiring and a true reminder that I am my own creator.

In this stillness, there is power of surrender, of submitting to the divine will with unwavering trust and faith. In surrendering to my own divinity and trusting what has occurred and how I have shown up. I find myself encourages to allow the stillness, the thigh pinch and the light to be my reminder that I am but a vessel, a conduit for the cosmic forces that flow within me, through me and around me.

As deep buried inner blocks mixed with a newfound wake up moment can ignite; I am confronted with these deep rooted blocks— my doubts, my fears. It's a journey of self-discovery and leaning into the light, yes, but also a journey of self-acceptance—a recognition that I am flawed and imperfect, yet inherently worthy of love and compassion.

This is where I continue to draw on teachings from my teachers. They are many. So, here are the lessons in brief:

Where there is love there is hope.
Unearth your wisdom with play. You’ll look silly but you’ll feel a whole lot warmer.
They are your medicine and you are theirs. It is up to you to consume your medicine without judgement and see yourself within them. To unify rather than exert energy in resisting the opportunity to recognize the oneness.
In every interaction, express gratitude for the opportunity to uplift and empower those around you, knowing that your influence has the power to spark transformation and illuminate the path for others.
Know yourself as you are now and celebrate it!! Drugs vs Cake. Honor your growth and find joy while you do it.
In the quantum field, we become alchemists of our destiny, harnessing the transformative energy that flows through the universe. With each leap you vibrate in your infinite self. Keep jumping.
The amount of pleasure you feel is a direct indication of the pleasure you fell worthy of receiving.
Navigate the twists and turns of your inner landscape. Let laughter be your compass and play be your only desired destination.
Find a way to let that steam out the pot!
Joy is a form of resistance. Finding joy in the face of pain is liberation not only for ourselves but for all we connect to.

As I prepare to close this piece out and go walk, processing the sharing, the release and the learning that comes from writing.

I am reminded of the interconnectedness of all things, the undeniable bond that unites us. It has been a truly generous act to write this as it is giving me a path to welcome the light. Creating a lightness in my energetic and physical body, that I will carry with me for a long time.

It's a humbling realization, a recognition that I am not alone, that we are all in this together.

So, as I head out, (can you guess I am a long goodbyes type hahaha) —- I vow to myself and also aloud for the cosmos to receive; A new spell, walking my path with courage and conviction, knowing that freedom is my compass and joy itself, is the destination.

As I swirl deeper into my knowingness that I am my soul, engaging myself with curiosity and vulnerability to surrender in the open.

Surrender to my knowing. Feel at home in my home. Surrender to my innate divinity.

I am my Sanctuary.

Let this moment be a reminder that temptation to press against life with resistance only leads to suffering, that true peace can be found in acceptance and letting the silence speak— no matter how swirling and loud—

So we may find our freedom again and again.